New Year's Resolution

I have one umbrella new year's resolution -- get my life in order. That covers a lot of things, from being more fit and healthy to managing my career.

Last year, I decided to go on anti-depressants. It wasn't the first time I've been on medication for depression. Since my mid teens, I've been to psychotherapy and psychiatry sessions, seen counselors and been through different treatments for depression, including hypnotherapy. (Incidentally I'm a lousy hypnotherapy subject -- it is just that hard for someone to get me into a hypnotic state.) I've had a difficult time pulling through, just scraping the barrel at school, university and in my work life. Honestly, after approximately a decade of this bullshit, I think one of the best advice I've received is "you've got to listen to your inner guidance and seek your own path". I'm not sure the antidepressants have been any better than placebos and I've felt that much of the counselling I've gone through were a waste of time and money. I'm going to wean myself off antidepressants once again and apply self-learned psychology on myself. Possibly a judicious use of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).

Whatever I feel about my sometimes very annoying boyfriend, I'm grateful to him for pushing me to exercise and eat more healthily. It's not that I don't want to. I've been on and off such plans several times already. It's just that I need to find my motivation or be pushed into gear. My flatmate is going to help out too. He's promised to kick me out of bed to go running from next week onwards. Exercising won't make me any happier, judging from experience, but a boost of adrenalin and endorphins wouldn't hurt. Anyway, I'd like to pick up sports like cycling and martial arts again. I remember a time when I really enjoyed such sports so I'd like to get back into them again.

I'm considering going back to school for postgraduate studies. I'm no longer that thrilled by my original choice of profession/academic training and everytime I run into geeks in that field I feel a deep sense of displacement. I'm still not sure what I'm passionate or excited these days -- all I know is that the clock is ticking and a radical change is needed. I long for the time when I had such a clear sense of direction and purpose. This year, I'm going to find it, by hook or by crook.

I think if I can kick the black dog and find my career path, I'm in a much, much stronger position to improve my finances and get the other aspects of my life into shape.

This is the year where I find myself.